As Shelly has said, I had one of those "oh you KNOW you're gonna blog about this" moments yesterday.

While reading somesuch article/editorial/blog-post about I-don't-remember, the writer mentioned the feeling one gets when looking up the names of old grade-school crushes in google.

Well, the last time I had contact with any of my grade school associates is over 25 years ago. I wasn't well-liked in grade school, I worked hard to abandon those relationships in high-school, and I abandoned them completely when I went to college out of state. Truth be told, I only remember the names of two or three of the kids from the Immaculate Conception (yes, that was its actual name) class of 1981.

But one name did pop into my head. It was a girl on whom I had a minor crush in grade school. I'd heard almost nothing of her post-1981, although I heard rumors in high school that she was having trouble at home and was growing anorexic, despite being seemingly happy (and having the best grades in the class) back at Immaculate Conception.

But I remembered the name so I took a chance regarding maiden names and googled for her.

And I found her -- definitely her, as the age and hometown panned out.

And I found a lot of pictures of her.

But I. . .umm. . .didn't find any clothed pictures of her.

I found that she's now working as a 40 year-old private dancer/escort/stripper in some rural burg and is now (presumably) retired from amateur pornography after breaking up with her porn-producer husband.

And this short bio was punctuated with lots of really creepy grainy pictures of her doing fairly unusual things, a couple of which were so explicit that your faithful bargain basement blogger required a Unicorn Chaser.

Strangely, the experience was not done justice by the

">song that mirrors that experience. In the song, the singer keeps up hope that he can someday return to his grade-school crush and put the incident behind him. I just felt some sadness coupled with relief that the crush went nowhere, because I have learned two things about sex:

1. Yes there is a whole weird sexual underground in this country.
2. The weird sexual underground isn't some kind of cool secret-handshake "don't talk about fight club" thing that takes place in darkened mansions, ala Eyes Wide Shut. It's way skankier.

So I'm monogamous and married 17 years to a civil engineer and I have a precocious five year-old daughter who's right now watching Spongebob Squarepants after a hard day at kindergarten. And I write computer games and book reviews. And I go on daily walks.

Heck, I barely even drink anymore and I never smoked a joint.

All hail normalcy.